learning to be 25

and my mantra for 26.

hi there.

it’s been a while.

the past few years have been a lot. i moved twice, broke my first bone, saw one of my favorite musicians live and somehow have managed to stay sober.

i live on my own now and am constantly surprised i’m able to do it to be honest. we’re coming up on a year in November. lately, i’ve come to the terms that i’ll never be allowed to be young. right now i desperately want to be 25. i want to be someone who’s reckless and knows when to stop drinking and doesn’t let work control their life. i want to travel and i want to have experiences and i want friends… i fucking desperately want friends. i did in high school. maybe we never talked about our feelings but at least i had someone who would hug me when i needed it and would watch a movie with me. the real question is when did i become so lonely?

was i raised to believe that the only way i could live was through self isolating when things got hard? or is it simply the fact that i can be so awkward and painfully shy that i just can’t ever hold a conversation with anyone? all i know is i could fall apart within the next few hours and i would have nobody to call and help.

my first therapist once told me i sounded like a sacrificial lamb and i never understood what it meant. in context, it was me willing to take on a burden that my mom realistically should’ve been handling but was in the midst of an alcoholic fueled episode. not so long ago, someone i had just barely met called me a martyr in the context of how much of my own personal time and physical health i was willing to sacrifice for my shit bookstore job. now i understand that i was taught to never put myself first and now i’m paying the price for that. i was taught that if i worked hard , that the hard work would pay off. i was never taught to relax.

i feel as though i have no friends now because by taking care of myself i stopped drinking. for some people, being 25 means being able to get shitfaced all the fucking time and going to stupid karaoke bars and posing with cigarettes. that’s what 25 used to mean to me too.

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i started writing this in august of 2025, two months after i turned 25 and i was fucking angry. it’s now february of 2026 and i am four months away from being 26 and i’m still angry. growing older doesn’t mean much to me i now realize but let me tell you what 25 has actually meant to me so far.

25 has been my year of learning in all honesty. i have learned what i do and don’t like in people, i have finally learned to put myself first, i have learned how sensitive of a human i actually am, how much of a pretentious freak i can be, i have learned to stand up for myself. 25 was my year of finding my people and then having them all be far away from me so you can imagine how much i sobbed hearing james murphy shout “YOU SPENT THE FIRST 5 YEARS TRYING TO GET WITH THE PLAN AND THE NEXT FIVE YEARS TRYING TO BE WITH YOUR FRIENDS AGAIN!” through my headphones after spending an incredible night with people you didn’t know when you’d see again. all because i’ve wasted the first five years of my 20’s staying friends with people who made me feel crazy and treated me terribly and i never had a lot of friends so i stayed and i took it all and i believed i was crazy.

the same friend who would get mad at me for not selling them a piece of my art was the same friend who made me want to stop drinking after taking me out after a movie, ordered me the strongest drink on the menu and asked me about what i liked in sex and what i watched to get off saying this is how friendship worked, we told each other our dark secrets (meanwhile they had a partner at home).

i have learned to listen because i hate when people just talk and talk and talk and talk and i’m trying to have a converstaion with you but jesus fuck can i get ONE WORD IN! i have learned that i am actually not smart and not cool and i wanna read more but i’m so addicted to my phone.

i have learned loneliness too well now. i want to be out and i want to be with friends every single moment i can but i don’t know how to ask. i have learned that i don’t know how to talk to people actually and that’s why i learned to listen.

i have learned that i yearn deeply for community but am too shy to even begin to look for it. i have learned that i am too used to my own comfort and that connecting with others means working through discomfort.

what else have i learned at 25?

i have learned in the past day that i am tired of being scared and holding myself back. so hi everyone, here i am bare and waiting and ready for what you wanna give. i am ready to be myself again and i am ready to live and am tired of being holed up in my apartment.

what i hope for 26?

i hope that i can see all my friends again. i want to see caroline in new york and i want to see eli in boston and i want to see mikayla, eden, and mila in la and i want to see alex in chicago and i want to see kayla in canada and mar and sage in charleston and i just want to see i danced with in the back of the pit again. 26 will be the start of trying to be with my friends.

i will take myself seriously, i will stay sober and i will learn to smoke cigarettes because i’m allowed one bad indulgence. i will fucking see my friends again (and i’ll make even more.)

i will learn to allow myself to relax and not feel so bad about wasting time. i’ll be a pretentious freak only sometimes and i will continue to learn to listen and stop calling myself annoying.

26 is the year i will finally let myself be.